It’s rare to find a professional who combines expertise in both food and parenting, so I was delighted to speak with Dr. Deborah MacNamara, who has written about the powerful connection between food and relationships.
This conversation is full of insight and practical ideas that can transform family meals and the way parents relate to food and their children.
In our discussion we cover:
- Why parenting is not just a set of techniques to be taught, and why a developmental mindset matters
- The true root of most so-called “picky eating” and why that term can be misleading
- How attachment and emotional safety influence what and when children will eat
- Why children sometimes accept foods at daycare but refuse the same foods at home
- What must come before food at any successful family dinner
- Deborah’s candid reflections on mistakes she made feeding her highly sensitive daughter
- How family meals promote healthy outcomes when relationships are prioritized
- Why teaching children to cook is a form of caretaking and how it fosters connection
- A surprising, natural stage of development between ages 2–5 that affects appetite and openness to new foods
- A counter-cultural philosophy about feeding and family life worth considering
No one talks enough about the relationship between food and attachment—and that needs to change. Deborah and I could have talked for hours, and we’re grateful to share her professional insight and our conversation with you.
If you can’t view the embedded video, search for “Attachment and Food” on YouTube to watch the full interview.
Food and Attachment
- 1:30 — Deborah explains her background and how she began focusing on parenting and healthy eating from a developmental perspective.
- 3:20 — Many parents adopt a behavioral approach that assumes they must teach children how to think and feel. A developmental approach recognizes that children bring instincts, emotions, and an internal blueprint for growing up; parents act as companions or “midwives” to that maturation.
We are midwives to our children’s maturation. -Dr. Deborah MacNamara
- 6:10 — A developmental approach highlights four basic needs: attachment, rest, emotional expression, and play.
- 7:56 — We often focus so heavily on which foods to serve that we forget how food is meant to nourish relationships. Deborah found that what appeared to be picky eating in her daughter was linked to an attachment issue around food.
No one is talking about food and attachment – and we must! -Dr. Deborah MacNamara
- 9:45 — It’s frequently easier to change the menu than to consider how shifting the relationship might make a child more receptive. Food has always been about bonding—with land, ancestors, culture, and each other.
- 11:10 — Love and emotion are invisible, so parents often focus on the visible: the food. That makes it easy to miss the relational dynamics at play.
The Key Ingredient in Family Dinners
- 11:55 — Family meals are commonly linked to positive outcomes, but those benefits depend on the quality of relationships at the table. If meals occur amid conflict, they can have negative effects.
We must “gather” before we eat – relationships must come before the food. -Dr. Deborah MacNamara
- 14:17 — Research shows that the families who benefit most from shared meals typically have at least one caretaker who values family meals. The advantage comes from connection, not the food itself.
- 16:37 — Even three family meals a week can begin to show positive effects, so you don’t need to aim for perfection to make progress.
- 17:00 — Sharing food is an invitation to dependence. Offering nourishment builds trust and creates emotional bridges between people.
Make sure there’s relationship when you come together around food. -Dr. Deborah MacNamara
Connection Through Teaching Kids to Cook
- 19:42 — Teaching children to cook supports connection and interdependence: when kids prepare food with family members they learn caring, competence, and reciprocity.
- 21:50 — Cooking together is a form of caretaking, but it should not become a way to offload parental responsibility. Keep relationship at the center of any cooking tasks you give children.
- 22:16 — Families can adapt these principles to fit their routines. Inviting children to make parts of their meals—while you provide staples—is an invitation to depend on and trust caregivers.
- 24:28 — How parents present tasks matters. Asking for a child’s help with warmth and guidance feels very different from begrudgingly assigning chores because you are overwhelmed.
- 26:03 — Teaching kids to cook creates beautiful reciprocity: children can contribute to the household and develop pride and skill. Shared meals and shared preparation foster belonging.
Attachment as the Solution for Picky Eating
- 28:30 — Instead of spending all our energy on ingredients, shopping, and meal planning, some of that attention could go toward nurturing relationships around food.
- 29:18 — Picky eating is a normal developmental phase. Around ages 2–3 children assert autonomy, which can include cautious or selective eating. Where children feel attached and safe, they are more likely to try stronger or unfamiliar flavors.
- 31:12 — Studies in some cultures show that children who regularly eat with attached family members develop a taste for adult flavors earlier than children who do not share meals in the same way.
- 32:00 — Trying new foods requires emotional safety, connection with the people who are eating those foods, and absence of pressure. Bribes and punishments undermine appetite and safety; sensory or physical issues can also affect a child’s willingness to eat.
No one wants to eat something new when they feel unsafe. -Dr. Deborah MacNamara
- 33:58 — Research suggests that parenting style, income, or a parent’s mental health do not determine picky eating. Connection and attachment are the central factors that influence whether children accept new foods.
- 35:27 — Parents should receive support rather than judgment. Encouragement helps families stay the course and fosters healthier food relationships.
- 36:44 — If a child eats a food at school but not at home, patience and a slow, loving approach are key. It’s acceptable for foods to differ by setting while you keep working on safety and connection at home.
- 40:01 — Short-order cooking or preparing entirely separate meals can undermine togetherness. Small adaptations that allow everyone to share the same core meal—while offering minor variations—preserve sameness and belonging.
Sameness is a form of attachment, a way of belonging. -Dr. Deborah MacNamara
- 43:39 — Parents who feel they have a difficult relationship with food should view that tension as an opportunity for growth. You can reshape your beliefs about food and model new behaviors for your children.
- 49:40 — As parents build confidence and navigate challenges, they become better prepared for future moments of growth. Human development often proceeds through internal conflict.
- 51:36 — When overwhelmed, return to simple acts of caretaking. Basic, calm nurturing grounds both parent and child and reconnects you to the role you want to play.
Resources Mentioned
- Research study referenced on family meals and outcomes (author and journal cited in the discussion)
- TEDx talk on picky eating and related topics
- Practical strategies and challenges for reducing mealtime battles and supporting confident eaters
- Deborah MacNamara — author and clinician; books discussed include Nourished: Food, Connection, and Caring for Our Kids, The Sorry Plane, and Rest, Play, Grow
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is a clinical counselor, mother, faculty member at the Neufeld Institute, and the author of Nourished, The Sorry Plane, and Rest, Play, Grow.